180 degrees...

ok wow... what a difference a few days can make... So I still have no job.. although i should get one before next monday which is always good... and my mom still nags and lectures like its her damn job... and Erika's mother still has some sort of issue with me... or anybody that could be me... so some of you may be wonderring what the hell is so good with you these days, absolutely nothing has changed since your last tirade? and my answer to that is... i have the most amazing girlfriend/bestfriend a kid could ask for...Erika has been my rock.. and i love her for it... she is their to console me when needed... lecture me when needed... and tell me when I'm being a jerk (not needed very often)...Actually im not really bothered my Erika's talk about collge anymore.. it really doesnt bother me anymore... Yesterday Erika felt bad saying she would be excited about collge when she was around me... and that kinda hurt... not because she would not say something around me... but because she really felt that way i dont ever want her to feel like she cant be excited about this amazing experience she is in for... she worked her ass off to get here.. and she damn well deserves to be excited about this.... hopefully i will pay my penence for 4 years of nothing this year and join in her in NYC next year... Last night erika and i got to talkin about how we felt a few moths ago about each other and our relationship... and erika said that up until fairly recently she might have wanted to try non-exculsive dating... which she had mentioned to me before but never as a potential happening.. so i was kinda shaken up by that.. but i know she doesnt want to know.. and it has long been determined that we are goin to stay together this year...Actually the reason i am so happy is because im kinda excited about next year... not goin to BCC or doin anything new, but for a different reason... a challenge im looking forward to with every bit of adventure in me.. the challenge to stay with erika through this year.. i know we will do it.. and i know it will be great... and i know that when we get through this year.. there is nothing that the two of us cant do... and that feeling when i get there is goin to be sheer extacy.... and that feeling is worth the wait... and its not like she is living very far so i still get to see her through this challenge....lol

And so it goes...

OK well... let me begin by sayin.. that this has overall been a pretty good last couple of days... I have been hanging out with my most favorite person in the whole world.. lately... and i absolutley love that... However i have had a few issues that have been bothering me and caused me quite a bit of grief tonight... well is started last night when my dad told me if i don't get a job in two weeks he is kicking me out of the house.. and he is tired of me doing nothing all the time... which i can understand.. im tired of doing nothing.. which could be part of the reason im feeling so shitty... but we will get to that..  another thing that is bothering me.. is that my mom the one person in the whole world who can truly understand how i feel about my dad.. has turned into the very man she divorced.. there is no conversation unless there is a lecture involved.. i havent had a conversation with my mom in over 2 months... which is something i would expect from my Father not my mom.. maybe she is just to busy for me i dont know.. all i know is that im completely tired of have no damn family...  and another thing that is bothering me is i think all of these years of doing nothing in school.. is catchin up to me.. i FINALLY REGRET NOT doin a damn thing all through high school.. and it took the most amazing girl in the world to show me this... everytime i hear Erika and her mother talking about college... i feel like i should be doin this too... i shouldnt be goin to bcc... im happy for erika i really am.. but im goin to miss the hell out of her more then i thought possible... and everytime i hear them talkin its a combination of ouch.. im gonna miss her... and ouch.. im a falure who doesnt have a job.. and is goin to BCC.... its like i dont deserve someone like erika.. she is goin to fuckin COLUMBIA  University... and is dating a nothing goin to BCC... it really truly feels like i dont deserve her... i know she will say different.. but she has so much goin for her... and i really dont.. and i know her mom feels this way which makes things 500x worse.. but whatever its just rough... welll i think i am done ranting for now.. i bid u all farewell.. and goodnite...

Very First Entry

Got kinda bored this morning... so i figured i would do the cool thing and start an online journal.. Kenny helped talk me into it... but yea.. not alot goin on.. so im just putting in my first of many very "vanilla" journal entries.... good day to u all