'untitled'

I'm in a state of mind few can appreciate...

Confused

Im at a complete loss for words... which for me is something of a new feeling... Since breaking up with Erika I have kinda made an internal promise that i wouldnt attempt any long distance relationships. However, there is something/someone who is really making me second guesss that idea... that is all.. nothing more.. just me pretty confused about how i fell...

'That Girl'

As i start writing this i dont have a tilted.... i suppose im just assuming one will develop as does this entry... I dont really know what has suddenly come over me as i decide to post regularly... No one reads this anymore, but i dont think thats the point... I guess im hoping the more i put thoughts to words, the more peace of mind will come of it...

Since I've been in Pittsburgh ive been seeing alot of Sarah, I really do enjoy her company...However im moving soon, and am not really looking for anything serious (in all honesty even if i werent moving i wouldnt be interested) I enjoy how i am right now... i have zero commitment to anyone... for the first time in a long time I am free to be me... There is no one i need to get permission from whether it be a girlfriend, or family...I'm being me.. and it feels amazing... The downside to my whole anti-monogamy (which isn't really anti-monogamy) is I truly love romancing women... and not having a girlfriend makes it difficult to romance, because as soon as romance gets thrown into any "more than friends" relationship.. it is immediately "a relationship" there is no middle ground that would enable me to both romance and be essentially unattached... I love making women smile, and getting to know as many 'types' or 'personalities' of women... it has become something of a fun time just getting to know them, even disregarding the sex...I guess im just at a crossroads now where im still going to be something of a 'rolling stone' when it comes to women at this point in my life, but at the same time im hoping by the time im in Arizona i will be at least open to the idea of looking for something serious...

Well now that i just typed that out it got me thinking..."im not really against a relationship..." i said to myself... "I guess im just waiting for 'that' girl...as cliche as that sounds.." although as cliche as that does sound i still believe it to be true... see, i've already been lucky enough to find one girl who was 'that' girl.. you know... the girl who makes you want to change your ways.. the girl who makes you want to be the best man you know how to be... the girl that makes your heart beat quicker with just a certain stare...the girl who really just touches your soul to the point that you would feel inhuman, or comletely hollow inside to ignore 'that' feeling... Like i said... my life has been blessed enough to find 'that' girl once... Even that relationship didnt necessarily work out.. i wouldnt change the time i spent with erika for the world.. and just because we are no longer romantically involved doesnt mean her place as 'that' girl has changed.. we still have a very strong bond and its great... she may not have all those characteristics listed above about being that girl.. but she is still 'that' girl who i confide in.. and more importantly isnt afraid to tell me..."you're being a douchebag"... or "Tell her the truth"... she has surpassed what i would expect from a normal friend...and for that im greatful...The fact that we've dated each other.. loved each other..and now blossomed as just friends... shows that she has truly touched my soul... and for that im grateful...

Like i said.. i just need to find the girl who will demand i settle down... my criteria for dating a woman has been raised...One day 'that' girl will show up..

P.S. I dont think that will girl will be the type to have sex on a first night...but i could be wrong...

A True Visionary

This is Love
Sual Williams is a true literary genious... i came across this a while ago and felt compelled to put this in a place with easy access...

I want a love like me, thinking of you, thinking of me,
thinking of you type love
or, me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love
or, hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and s**t, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls
asleep then wonder if she dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what she's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our
hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just
hurt so much when she's not there.
S**t, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type
love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about her type love.
Hope that I make her feel as good as she makes me feel, like believing
that her being in my life makes me a better person type love or I want
her to distract me form whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with
her not saying anything,
then fall asleep then wake up with HER right next to me,
and smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try to counting the ways I love her, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes her happy type love.
And I want to break down the time we spend together into seconds just
so it sounds like we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when her number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to her until I lose my breathe, she leaves me
breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her
back into me
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan
to something that allows me to talk to her longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone
bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love her as
long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and trim my mustache, but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.
And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this
I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to
get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country just to get treated then
somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you
in a different language to see if it still feels the same
I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is, and I'm married, so
she is going to be the one that I share this love with.

merely a breif summary...

I don't really know what is compelling me to write in this fossil of a Blog, but something is in fact compelling me to write. I haven't posted on this blog in nearly a year and a half, but again i guess i have something to say.

A lot has changed since my last update... ALOT... to be expected i suppose. Over the last year I've done quite a bit of 'growing' as a person. I've become much more self sufficient, and independent. I have experienced things that everyone should experience in their life. Life has thrown it's curves, it's put speedbumps in the road, and its handicapped the invinsable. I've since outgrown the naievete associated with youth and have begun to begin.

Initially i had a hard time adjusting to my and erika's breakup, in retrospect not because it was completely out of blue and unexpected, (because it was expected, due, and necessary) but because the thought of not having erika there was the most frightening concern. I honestly couldn't remember how to be single, how to have fun without a girlfriend, which as pathetic as that sounds is the truth. I forgot what it was like just to go out with a group and meet people. I lost sight of some truely good times i had single. The breakup between erika was particularly hard because for the first time ever i was alone.

Through most of my time in New Jersey Steve was my 'wingman' and my best friend. He was Bama the short kid who always had my back. When i started dating Erika was about two weeks before Steve was leaving for basic training. Leaving Erika to occupy my time, and she did, quite well. Erika left for college the following fall, and initially that was tough, but i visited almost every weekend, and everything was still good. Things got rough in the begining of the summer, simply because the distance crushed us. When we broke up at the end of the summer I was moving to a new place with no connections, no friends, and now no erika. I didnt do well in Pittsburgh, although i made friends, i wasnt comfortable. In retrospect it wasnt Pittsburgh it was me. I was going through a rough time and it was easiest just to blame the location.

I have since outgrown those issues and am now as content as have been for over a year. I like who i am, i like how my relationships are and ready to begin again.

I am moving to arizona this summer and i couldn't be looking forward to it more. My life these past couple of months has been quite a ride. I've 'sewn some wild oats' and i dont think im ready to quit that just yet. Best of all I now know how to be single, alone, and just a friend. I may not like being alone, but ive learned to live with it. Meaning I can be single if need be. Relationships are great, and so is being single. One day ill be ready for a commitment, but ive learned through a recent failed relationship. I cant commit to another person when i'm not content with my own situation. I need to be able to put that person first, and cant do that when i dont truly know myself. All in all im glad ive updated this... still dont know what compelled me to do this, but im glad i did...now im off to go be me.